The Korean Dads’ 12-Step Program

[buccal.livejournal.com]

By Nicole Laporte

A soft-spoken electrical engineer named Edmond Rhim sat in a packed gymnasium with his wife, Hanna, gripping her tiny hand in his. It was the last of four five-hour-long sessions of Father School, and by the end of the night, 70 men — all of them Korean, and almost all of them Christian — would be declared more emotionally adjusted dads. They would even get a certificate, a group photo and a polo shirt to prove it. “She’s happy now,” Rhim said, smiling.

Hanna nodded her head. “I love my husband,” she said. “But he is” — she searched for the right bit of recovery jargon — “under construction.”

Like many of the men in the room, Rhim never wanted to come to Father School. (Seven dropped out after the first day.) “I’m not a bad father,” he told me a week earlier. But realizing how difficult it was for him to relate to his wife and two teenage kids — and realizing, finally, how empty that left him — he paid the $120 course fee and agreed to show up.

Father School has been helping Korean men like Rhim become more emotionally aware since 1995, when it started at the Duranno Bible College in Seoul. The mission, drawn up at the height of the Asian financial crisis, was to end what the Father School guidebook calls “the growing national epidemic of abusive, ineffective and absentee fathers.”

“Traditionally, in the Korean family, the father is very authoritarian,” Joon Cho, a program volunteer, told me a few weeks before this session of Father School began. “They’re not emotionally linked with their children or their wife. They’re either workaholics, or they’re busy enjoying their own hobbies or social activities. Family always comes last.”

In 2000, Father School spread from Korea to the United States, and the program — part 12-step recovery, part Christian ministry — was tailored to meet the needs of Korean immigrant fathers dealing with Americanized kids who wondered why their fathers weren’t more like the touchy-feely dads they watched on TV. Since then, Father School has exploded. It now operates out of 57 American cities and has graduated nearly 200,000 men worldwide.

“They are ready to cry,” said Young Chung, a veteran Father School volunteer, as he looked out at the sea of men arranged at a dozen or so small tables in the gymnasium here in this heavily strip-malled suburb of Los Angeles. “All you have to do is touch them.”

There is no denying it has been an emotional journey — the boxes of Kleenex on every table are there for a reason. Over the course of the program, the students, who range in age from 30 to 70, have been asked to examine issues that many of them have never dared to think about, much less share with a group.

“Our communication was lacking so much,” a man in his early 40s wrote in a letter to his father — one night’s homework assignment. “You expected so much from me, but I gave much more than you think. All your time was work, work, work. . . . You really didn’t put much into family life.”

In the midst of another participant’s group testimony, in which he talked about how he neglected his 16-year-old son when his son was battling drug and gambling addictions, he crumpled to the floor in tears. When he stepped down from the podium, a few members of the group gathered around him in a consolatory huddle while the rest applauded.

The syllabus also called for students to practice saying “I love you” and to ask their wives out on dates. One man drew laughs when he said that his wife was so flabbergasted by the invitation that she refused to go. At another session, they learned how to hug, albeit grudgingly. Only when the volunteers who run these sessions insisted did the men rise from their seats and offer a few stiff embraces.

But on graduation night, the mood was far more festive. For the first time, wives were invited to attend, and the men gallantly pulled out their chairs and introduced them around the room. Platters of spicy kimchi and rice were passed around the table, as a quartet of volunteers sang Korean spiritual songs set to a poppy beat. With all the attendant sincerity and awkwardness, it felt an awful lot like prom night.

Toward the end of the evening, the lights dimmed, and the students filed out of the room. Twenty minutes later, they returned carrying a small, plastic tub filled with water. They knelt down before their wives and removed their stockings and shoes. Some of the women wept as their husbands gently massaged their toes.

Over in a corner, Rhim was hunched over, drying Hanna’s feet. She wasn’t crying, but as he worked, she leaned down to rest her head on his shoulders.

Source: NY Times

This warmed my heart. ㅠ_ㅠ

Comments

[magicpineapple.livejournal.com]

aww. this is sweet. <3

[dorawa.livejournal.com]

this is really sweet, tbh! ♥

[mistyx.livejournal.com]

I agree with the above comments :)

[lightspeedsquid.livejournal.com]

wow i teared up ;~;

[angel-9-lives.livejournal.com]

this is ridiculously sweet...kinda wish more fathers went to things like this, not just Korean/Asian ones, at that. my dad was a good one, but I know a lot who need something like this:S

~Angel

[tsunamisky.livejournal.com]

This is really sweet.

I had other things to say but I'll keep it to myself.

[shintotchi.livejournal.com]

On initial ready I got the feeling the writer was a bit too...sappy. Other than that, I approve of the program since I feel there is a huge distance in asian families between the father and his family. I hope this is just one step down a path of many to a better family, and eventually, social life in Korea.

[anconeous.livejournal.com]

This is nice. It's nice to show people that dads don't have to be all macho and authoritarian.

[asth77.livejournal.com]

I love it, fighting <3.

[itangeisha.livejournal.com]

This is a nice program, i hope it will become more popular a/o desecrate this image of the father.

[xperfect-lines.livejournal.com]

It's one thing to admit your faults but it's a totally new level of courage to act upon that. Awesome dads! :) I hope more people take notice of this!

[newlines.livejournal.com]

i know! esp since a lot of asian dads assume the role as the "head of the house" and admitting faults is like saying that your family/you are weak.

i want to applaud the courage that it took for these fathers to step up and continue on with this course :)

[she-shies-away.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a truly awesome idea.

[devilstay.livejournal.com]

This is lovely to hear about. I'm glad that people, are looking at ways to shift the family dynamics to fit with a more modern view of men and women, even if it's hard, to even try is just wonderful.

[hellicoptajuuce.livejournal.com]

ngl, i teared up :'(

[pathogen.livejournal.com]

Bawwwwwwwwwwww!

[pinkinmoon.livejournal.com]

this. becoming more "emotionally aware" is a skill a lot of fathers everywhere could use

[modestgoddess79.livejournal.com]

+1

[des-akazim.livejournal.com]

yeah. my friend's dad didn't even live with them. I asked if they were divorced or something, and he just nonchalantly said 'no, he works a lot. He comes home sometimes though', and seemed like it was perfectly normal.

[audiograms.livejournal.com]

They should have programs like this in the UK tbh it's sorely needed

[chomper-go-rawr.livejournal.com]

OMG ;_________;

[t-domination.livejournal.com]

;_____________;

[jetaime-pyon.livejournal.com]

this is very sweet. <3 sounds like something out of a drama movie, kinda.

[hitsujiga.livejournal.com]

jjdjksfjkdgfjd ;_; so cute

[uhmazin-smile89.livejournal.com]

I wish all dads could go through this...make it mandatory lol!!

[pinkinmoon.livejournal.com]

omg i love this so much

[geonitacka.livejournal.com]

wow. this gives me some hope.

[lobotronic.livejournal.com]

that is really cute and amazing. I'm glad men are taking steps to be more involved with their families. :) I hope it can continue like this and be more of a cultural norm, instead of something that requires a program to fix.

[chewyish.livejournal.com]

my dad needs to go to a class like this

[newlines.livejournal.com]

i read this, and i was tempted to send it to my dad, but i was afraid he would get mad at me 3___3

[buccal.livejournal.com]

Aww :( maybe have your mom send it to him?

[newlines.livejournal.com]

hahaha i was tempted >:)

but i don't think he's a bad dad, i just think that he needs to realize that sometimes he's not always right. it's frustrating since i feel like i can't ever have a civilized argument with him, since he always believes that he's the one being wronged.

but other than that, i like my dad. kinda. hahaha

[buccal.livejournal.com]

:( :( :(
You raise up a very prevalent problem in all families. In general nobody likes to admit they're wrong and for many Asian fathers who happen to be the head of their households, apologizing isn't in their vocabulary. I took a Life Skills class that dealt with communicating better with people, especially family, and it taught me a lot of valuable tips. For one, when raising up an issue with someone, never use the word "you" because it automatically puts people on the defensive. Try using 1st person and talk about your feelings. For example when dealing with a family member who said something hurtful, one can possibly say, "I was very hurt when this was said today... I'm trying my hardest to make you proud and I'm sorry that I fall short. Still, I would like an apology sometime." and quickly end it, thereby letting the other person sit on that and hopefully realizing that what they said was hurtful. They will apologize when they're ready. I've tried this with my "tiger" mom and it's worked every. single. time. Now I kinda don't even use this technique because she has gradually learned to admit that she's wrong at times. Of course, it's a mutual thing and I apologize when I'm wrong, too. If both parties are willing to place down their pride, everybody wins. :)

I'm glad you like your dad. I hope your relationship with him grows stronger and deeper. n___n

[pikapika217.livejournal.com]

every father should have to do this