Moms' War

[ashiva.livejournal.com]

"Myong-jin, where are you? Hurry up, please! We've only got 20 minutes to get to your English institute. Hurry up!" "Oh, I forget, which class do you have on Thursday ― English, swimming, math, or speed reading?"

What a terrible time it is for Myong-jin as a middle school student! Like a squirrel, he's spinning his wheels around to five or six private institutes. Myong-jin is forced to do everything his mom wants in order to get high test scores to enter a top-notch high school in Korea.

He goes to private tutoring institutes to study all the main subjects, reads the stack of books his mom brought for him, studies at least three monthly home-school materials, rushes to a downtown special cramming school, one hour from home, for speed-reading as well as a mnemonic learning, and even swims, all at the age of seven.

In contrast, Soo-yeon's mother asks her middle school-aged daughter to quit private tutoring institutes she is attending. Instead they go traveling together around three Asian countries during winter vacation, while her friends are driven into the exam-hell of cram schools.

However, they are not the least bit worried about Soo-yeon's prospects of entering a good high school and university, as Soo-yeon gains great confidence in what she wants to do with her life through her travels. Through her rich experiences, it will be possible for Soo-jin to design and build her own future life on the basis of gaining awareness of her own dreams, goals, interests, and basic principles in life.

A few months ago, a TV program entitled "Alpha mom or Beta mom, what is your choice?" triggered a heated debate in Korea over what a typical mothers' role should be, i.e., the role of an Alpha mom and Beta mom in educating their children in regards to the entrance-exam preparation hell in Korea.

An Alpha mom's role is to support her children through providing various kinds of information about tests and schools, to train her children to be exam-machines, so they are prepared to enter the top-notch high schools and universities. Recently, Alpha moms have a tendency to make use of the Internet such as Internet cafes, blogs, and cyber chatting sites to share all kinds of information about educating children with other Alpha moms. It is true that some Alpha mom blogs are growing in popularity on the Internet among those enthusiastic about their children's education.

What is a Beta mom's role, on the other hand? A Beta mom's role is to provide her children with a variety of opportunities to experience what they really want in life, making it possible for them to discover what they are really interested in and want to do in the future ― as opposed to driving them into the exam-hell war as Alpha moms do. It is said that a Beta mom just patiently watches and waits until her children realize what they really want to do to attain happiness, as opposed to putting all their energy into training for the entrance exam to enter top-notch high schools and universities.

Is an Alpha mom better than a Beta mom, or vice versa? It is thought that Alpha moms are likely to regard Beta moms as neglecting their children's education, while Beta moms think of Alpha moms as kind of excessive moms who are obsessed with molding their children into a fixed type of frame they want with little regard to their children's will, character, and aptitude.

But does it matter whether one is an Alpha mom or a Beta Mom? That's why both kinds of moms are believed to have originated from their enthusiasm for educating children and expressing their love for their children. What is more important is how to adjust their love and enthusiasm about what their children want, not through heteronomy but through autonomy.

It is well known that some Alpha moms are under a great deal of stress ― the so-called Alpha mom syndrome ― when they happen to see other moms leaving no stones unturned to guide and provide children with a variety of information about entrance exams, and also when they are in need of adequate finances to support their children to be molded and trained to enter prestigious high schools and universities, regardless of their children's character, will, and aptitude.

As a result, it goes without saying that Alpha moms are sure to mold children into "mamma's" girls or boys, children who comply with their helicopter moms in everything without their own judgment, responsibility, and creativity, even if they enter a top university or get married.

Do you want to be an Alpha mom or Beta mom? Do you want your children to be a mamma's boy or girl? Do you want to be a helicopter mom who is responsible for your children's entire future life?

In my opinion, what matters is not whether one is an Alpha mom or Beta mom, but whether moms allow their children to figure out what they really want only to enable them to be self-directed, self-responsible, self-judged, and self-esteemed. How can children be trained to be nothing but exam-hell machines in their future life for their moms' satisfaction and happiness?

All Korean moms! Please let your children pursue what they are interested in. Let them realize for themselves who they are and what they really want to do with their lives, not for parents' life. What, why, and how to do, or whether to do or not, is not a question of moms, but of our children!

The writer is an English teacher at Jeonnam Middle School in Gwangju. He can be reached at cth0707@hanmail.net.

Source

Comments

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Hm interesting concept.

I definitely had a Beta mom. I did a lot of after-school activities, but it was all stuff I wanted to do. My grades were never top-notch, but I definitely experienced a lot of stuff. Interesting that this was posted the day before Mother's Day ;__; I have to work though so I can't celebrate with my mum. *hugs Mom*


OMONA members - what after-school activities did/do you do?

If I lump together middle school and high school: Softball, Volleyball, Soccer, Basketball, Track & Field, Swim Team, Swing Choir, church choirs, and competitive dance (ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop, and modern). I'm probably missing a couple things. >.>

[lalalande.livejournal.com]

I helped baby sitting and did my homework. We didn't have money to pay for after school activities anyway ^^.

And then when I grew older, around freshman year I started to skip school, went to the cafés drinking coffee and chainsmoking, I went to work, went to the cinema, expositions, libraries,

I was a real nerd back then I realize.

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Hey nothing wrong with being a nerd. <3

[ashiva.livejournal.com]

I sort detest very orderly life, so I only belonged to girl scouts 'till I was 13 after which I dropped out (I loved camping, but hated weekly meetings) and went to piano lesson once a week 'till I was 12 (I hated it) at which time my mum allowed me to drop it off. Anyway, I hadn't any other official after-school activities, but instead I hanged out with my friends playing different outdoor games or just chatting. I also read insane amount of books.

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

All good activities. I did girl scouts and piano too. Camping really was the best part of girl scouts. Oh and the cookies :3

[ashiva.livejournal.com]

Cookies weren't really part of Finnish girl scouts instead we had to sell every November bunch of advent calendars. Although, truthfully I had to do much more selling of all sort of weird stuff for optional school trips (For instance when I was twelve my class did a week long trip to England for which purpose our class collected almost a year money with different methods).

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Ah I always wondered if girl scouts in other countries did the cookie thing. Guess not!

[freakymysty.livejournal.com]

I sucked at after-school activities. I tried softball and quit immediately after the first time I got hit in the head with the ball. I tried basketball and quit immediately after getting hit in the head with the ball. I tried acting and quit immediately when I didn't get a part the first time I auditioned.

I semi-succeeded at cheerleading for the peewee football team. Stuck with it the longest but still quit eventually. I played flute in band (which is really a during school activity, I guess) but also quit that later on. I was such a quitter and still am, lol.

My older sister did basketball, softball, acting, and band as well and didn't quit. She won a ton of trophies in everything. I was bitter :P.

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

I hear yah on the older sister thing. I enjoyed soccer, but I kinda gave it up since, ya know, my oldest sis ended up playing professionally (also I enjoyed dance more).

[rawthorne.livejournal.com]

I don't think I did anything except what I wanted, after-school. And I turned out okay.

[shanny-w.livejournal.com]

Same.

[bakadeshi-desu.livejournal.com]

Hmmn, what did I do?/ Damn that's reaching back a long way.

Field hockey, underwater hockey, archery, chess, tutoring, Buddy Club (helping all the wee freshmen), swimming, scholastic competitions (my teachers stuck me in a bunch of those in middle school XD), school choir (middle and high school).

[jaded-skys.livejournal.com]

I was a hardcore dedicated syncro swimmer from when I was about 4 until I was around 10-ish. With 5 to 6 hour practices six times a week, I really didn't do much else at all. In my teens though, I was in all the school bands and took music lessons outside of class, and a couple of years ago I did a private course in Korean. But thankfully neither of my parents forced me into anything I didn't want to do and only expect me to do the best as I can at school. Aww... now I totally wanna go and hug my mum...

[moriganmadison.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I was dragged to tutoring from 6th grade until I was a freshman in college. And it ended there only because I begged (I mean, when your math level exceeds that of the tutor, there really isn't a point). LOL

Other than that, for middle and high school I did violin, Taekwondo (didn't get very far because we moved), dance team, ballet, swimming/diving, and I did one year of Song/Cheer team in high school (ugh, don't ask).

I think my mom is like a cross of an alpha and a beta mom. I always spent my summers doing homework out of her old college books, but she always told me that I should just try my best and it would be fine.


Of course, she would then lecture me about all my B's. :P

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Aw but what kind of Mom doesn't lecture a bit now and then? :)

[moriganmadison.livejournal.com]

lol True. :)

[pickychu.livejournal.com]

In elementary school, I was a girl scout for 1 or 2 years. Then in middle school I did ross country for 2 years. Once I go to highschool, I dropped cross country like a lead weight 'cause I hated it (Though, it was still my choice to do it those two years.) and got into theater, which I've been doing for the past four years.

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Oh ho another theater person. Forgot to add that to my list >.> Don't know how I could forget. I pretty much lived in my high school theater for 2-3 years. Wanted to go to college for musical theater (yah that didn't happen).

[xcherryblossomx.livejournal.com]

played basketball for a while

[chibi-rei.livejournal.com]

Wow skating! That's pretty cool. *pat pat* Sorry you got injured.

[shanny-w.livejournal.com]

I never did after school activities. My parents never bothered to ask me if I wanted to do anything. But once I joined a dance class for like 2 months lol

[lalalande.livejournal.com]

Thank you for always posting interesting articles on korea. I am always stalking the ones on China and Japan so I never have time to poke around Korea.

is there a fault in reasonning if I tend to lump these alpha moms with the the soccer moms and the hockey moms??

[vanillacat.livejournal.com]

I definitely have a Beta mom - as long as I don't piss off my grades, I'm pretty much allowed to do whatever I please.

I know friends with Alpha parents though - coincidentally, mostly Asian parents - and they're driven a little crazy by it all. Two of them took the SAT IIs, then their parents made them come home and study more instead of going out to lunch with me. D;

I think Alpha parents tend to create successful children - but at the expense of their happiness.
Plus, there's always the threat of the kid simply cracking under the pressure.
ADDITIONALLY, I don't think helicopter parenting necessarily creates controllable children - my above-mentioned friends look anxiously towards college and leaving their parent's oppressive household..

[xradiostatic.livejournal.com]

I definitely had a beta mom. She let me figure out what I was interested in by letting me enroll in different classes. I was in various art programs during the summer and dance classes on Saturdays from the age of four to ten. I always got good grades except when it came to math. As long as I tried my best and didn't slack off my parents didn't mind.

Unfortunately, most of my friends have alpha moms and are always under a bunch of stress even now although we're in college.

[xradiostatic.livejournal.com]

have*

[pickychu.livejournal.com]

my mom's like, a super beta mom. she really doesn't push me at all with my school work and let's me do what i want. i think it's 'cause, in the end, no matter how bad my grades may be for awhile, she knows that i'll pull through without the constant nagging that another parent may unleash on their kid.

[le-byul.livejournal.com]

My mom's kinda schizo. LOL. When I was in grade school & highschool, she was alpha mom. Then come College, she turned into beta mom. She's the coolest.

[shanny-w.livejournal.com]

Dont korean parents want their kids to have a good future so they make lots of money and take care of them when they are old? :P It's like they are also securing their own future.

[invisibelle.livejournal.com]

Koreans are so crazy about keeping-up-with-the-Joneses. They really take it to a new level, it's amazing.

I am American, we don't have "alpha moms" here so much.* heh.

*unless they are 1st or 2nd generation Asian.