T.O.P for Prestige HK interview (TW mental health and suicide)

[waves-of-light.livejournal.com]

*TW mental health and suicide


Among the biggest names in art across Asia, only a handful are artists; the rest are often collectors, many from positions of wealth and power — people who fill their spaces with the priciest, the rarest, the most hyped of pieces.

Choi Seung Hyun is one of the unique few who occupy the role of both artist and collector. But his medium is neither paint nor marble — Choi makes music. (He also acts.) You might know him better as T.O.P, member of the original Korean music phenom, BIGBANG.

Considered one of the biggest young collectors of contemporary art in the region, his star has risen considerably in the business during the past decade. He was invited to lend pieces to Seoul’s Leeum, Samsung Museum of Art, and he also guest-curated an exhibition for Singapore’s ArtScience Museum. In Hong Kong, he co-curated an auction of Asian and Western art for Sotheby’s that raised millions, with part of the proceeds going to support emerging Asian artists.

The dual pop star and art patron is a rare breed: you could look in vain for another who can put names such as Mark Grotjahn and Piet Mondrian into the mouths of millions of young fans. Who better than a creator and a collector to speak on the future of art in Asia?

But Choi stepped away from the limelight five years ago. His absence wasn’t meant to be this long — military conscription, mandatory for males in Korea, is a two-year spell. But after completing his service, Choi all but disappeared — from fans, from interviews, from pop stardom — leaving many wondering how he was feeling, and whether he’d ever return.

When we reached out to Choi for Prestige’s annual Art Issue, he openly discussed his passion for art, which he calls his driving force. Then, just days before our interview, the news broke: BIGBANG would be making their long-awaited comeback with a new single, and T.O.P would be ending his 16-year contract with their label.

When we meet over Zoom, Choi is dressed casually, in a black baseball cap and a blue hooded sweatshirt, but it’s clear he’s been prepared for this moment for a long time. While stars of a certain calibre rarely speak publicly — especially to magazines — without a small army of publicists and management types, he’s alone, save for a translator (“My English teacher,” he says) who joins us to ensure that every word comes out just as intended. There are some important things, he tells me, that he’s looking forward to revealing for the first time today.

“This is a time to leap to the next stage of my career and life,” he says with a smile. Choi’s ambitions are bigger than ever. And this is just the beginning.

IN 2017, ONE OF the world’s biggest pop stars stood on stage and said goodbye to his fans. It wasn’t a forever kind of goodbye, but more of a “see you soon”. At least, that was the plan. It’s a simple, if cruel, fact of life for the young fans of Korean boy bands: boys become men and, by law, those men must serve in the military. And when your idols leave, they don’t always come back.

While Choi was serving in the military police, a certain drama — one involving marijuana — played out for the artist. It played out in the news, on social media, in the court of public opinion and, ultimately, in the actual courts as well. Keep in mind that this is Korea, where cannabis remains a serious subject — recreational use still carries a sentence of up to five years in prison or a fine of as much as 50 million won.

He described the incident as “the worst moment” of his life, then quietly disappeared from the public eye, leaving only rumours and speculation about what happened next.

“This is the first time I’ve spoken this publicly, but I did try to commit suicide about five years ago,” says Choi, looking away, his voice lowering. “I realised later how much hurt and painful memories I gave to the people around me, my family and fans out there.

“Actually, I was going to seriously stop making music and stop being a musician. But during the bad times, the rough times, my motivation to keep going was the music. I wrote more than 100 songs over the past five years. It’s been my motivation, like wanting to fill up a bookshelf with my work. It’s been my passion. I realised how precious it is to pay back what I’ve received,” he says. “I feel that I’m reborn.”

Choi lowers his shoulders and smiles. A weight has been lifted.

ART AND MUSIC HAVE intersected in Choi’s life from the very beginning. Raised in a family of artists — his great uncle was the pioneering Korean abstractionist Kim Whanki — he discovered a great sense of comfort from beautiful and aesthetically pleasing works. Art became a balancing force for him, a centre.

“Since I was young I’ve suffered from depression, but by looking at beautiful things, especially art, I feel relaxed, I feel relieved,” says Choi. He admits he’s always felt a strong connection with his emotions.

“I was born to be sad,” he says with a laugh. “I’ve felt extra sensitive compared to other kids since I was young. I knew it and felt it, and spent more time and more effort to get over it by spending time with art.”

As a musician and actor — he enjoys both equally — Choi is happy to be called an artist. But he prefers to leave other forms of art to the professionals: “I think that people who are best at it should actually do it,” he says. “I think I have eyes to see what is good art, but … I’m not necessarily the best at drawing or painting.”

That doesn’t mean others haven’t tried to get him there. Choi’s family encouraged him to pursue the visual arts to create more of the beautiful things he loved. He had a different plan.

“Since I was five, I started dreaming about music and being a musician. That dream never changed.”

Choi fell in love with rap, which he calls the most creative genre, and followed that path. But even while he chased his music dreams, Choi never lost his fondness for “visual beauty”. The money he began to make from music enabled him to pursue the latter, buying up and collecting all the pretty things in sight. He started with sneakers, then expanded to furniture, design, paintings and sculptures. A Mondrian homage by Tom Sachs and Concetto spaziale by Lucio Fontana hang behind him as we talk.

There are no shortcuts for Choi when it comes to studying and cultivating his art tastes. While the internet offers a never-ending stream of inspiration, he prefers to lose himself in the massive collection of art books he keeps at home; he loves the process of research and discovery. Someday, he mentions, he’d like to add the work of American abstract expressionist Barnett Newman to his collection.

Reports have claimed he spends as much as 95 percent of his income on art. He tells me it’s actually more. For Choi, art means something that can’t be seen, only felt — not a journey of self-discovery, but something deeper.

“I feel I already found myself during my twenties, as I was spending my time as a musician,” he says. “It’s more of a spiritual journey than finding myself.”

For Choi, it’s also his wellspring of creativity.

“I believe that having the most unique art in my collection will inspire me to make the most unique music,” says Choi. “Art is my breakthrough. The visual inspiration and energy received from art stimulates me and becomes the driving force that moves me in new ways.”

As music afforded him the opportunity to collect art, it’s the art that gives him the inspiration to create more music. And as music lit the way through the darkest period of his life, it’s no stretch to say that we have art to thank for Choi being with us today.

AS HE’S A PROLIFIC collector, it should be no surprise that Choi counts a number of artists as close friends and collaborators.

“I enjoy communicating with artists, not just because of collecting, but as an artist, as a musician,” he says. “I come to artists with my pure passion and it’s why I believe I have a lot of artist friends, and they open their hearts to me — even though they’re sometimes super-closed people.”

The Japanese sculptor, Kohei Nawa, is one of those artists. His surreal abstractions of familiar objects are unlike anything else out there — exactly the type of artist Choi admires.

“He’s my soul brother,” says Choi. “It seems like we can both share something interesting soon.” That something? An NFT project.

While he hasn’t bought any NFTs that currently exist on the market (“I’d rather make things that I’d like to buy”), he sees the growing trend as a good thing, simply because it means a greater variety of visual beauty in the world.

He can’t reveal anything about the NFT project yet, but he also mentioned another project with Nawa: Choi’s new wine label. The label of the wine would be an artwork by Kohei Nawa, he adds.

After art and his fans, Choi’s third great love may very well be wine. Why not find a way to combine all three? These reds and whites will be selected and produced in France.

“It started when I was going through some tough times, as a way to pay back fan support,” says Choi. “I came up with this idea that I wanted to share some good wines at a reasonable price. It doesn’t have to be only for certain people out there – I want to share with everyone.”

Choi aims to make the wine as affordable as he can, with a portion of the profits going towards supporting an art foundation. Paying it back, just as he planned.

MENTAL HEALTH IS A big topic on Choi’s mind, and it’s something he’s devoted significant time to researching in recent years. His own experience notwithstanding, he’s seen friends struggle, and he’s lost others to suicide. The statistics in his home country alone are impossible to ignore.

“Tragically, Korea is number one in suicide rates among OECD countries,” he says. “Over the past five years I’ve been studying that a bit more, and inside my studio, I’ve tried to put that mentality into my music. Through my music, I want to provide hopes and dreams to many young people who are in despair at this very moment.”

In Korea, there’s one area in particular that he feels is due for a closer examination.

“The K-pop system,” he says. “I myself am fortunate that I only spent less than a year as a trainee before I debuted — a relatively short time — but after, I saw all the trainees, the boys and girls, they’re under a very harsh system. They’re told what to do and trained just like robots. They might get popular, they might get bigger, but in their heart and in ways we can’t see, they’re being isolated, and feel lonely inside.”

The feeling is one that he can clearly relate to. His solution? A new kind of record company. “I don’t want to be a robot maker,” says Choi. “I want to make a real artist and help real artists. I’m positive about making a group that’s completely different from BIGBANG in the future.”

With some 16 years of experience in the business, it’s safe to say he knows what he’s talking about.

For Choi, it’s simply one area where he personally feels he has the ability to make positive change, while adding that mental health deserves better recognition and acknowledgement across the board, especially for young people.

“It’s not just this celebrity industry, but I want to share this message, especially with younger people. I want to start different kinds of activities that provide positive and hopeful messages to the younger generation out there,” he says.

As for what he’d tell himself at a younger age? “Be more courageous.”

IF YOU WEREN’T THERE to witness it, it’s hard to truly emphasise how big BIGBANG really was. Before Squid Game shattered streaming records, before Parasite took home the Oscar, before Blackpink was in our area, there was BIGBANG — and that “Korean Wave” is still riding the momentum of their impact.

“I think very positively of it,” says Choi of the part BIGBANG played in today’s suddenly Korea-obsessed global climate. “I think this is just the start, and it will get even bigger.”

Even the most established musicians have trouble stepping outside of their genre, yet BIGBANG somehow made it look easy. Any given album might feature elements of rap, R&B, dance, trap, rock or even disco, offering different members their moment to shine from one track to the next. They weren’t just making their home country fashionable – they were rewriting the rules of pop music, with the critical and commercial success to back it up, and fans around the globe in the palm of their hands.

For a certain kind of musician, it’s what dreams are made of. But what happens when that dream is no longer shared?

Four years removed from their previous single, “Flower Road”, it’s a question that’s been on Choi’s mind.

“From the beginning, I’ve always shared with my fans that I’m fully proud that I am T.O.P of BIGBANG, but in the last few years I was starting to think that maybe this was the end, and maybe there won’t be T.O.P of BIGBANG for a while,” he says.

“BIGBANG is an idol artist group,” he says, laughing. “But I’m too old, and everyone’s old too!”

Joking or not, he’s got a point. Boys will be boys — until they aren’t anymore. Choi adds that the upcoming comeback song with the band will include a message to his fans, as well as some messages about why he’s on a break from BIGBANG.

“Being super honest with the fans, I really don’t want to say this is my last,” he says. “But even more frankly, it might be a long while until I come back as T.O.P of BIGBANG. Over those five years, our music tastes and activities probably differed a lot, and now BIGBANG music and T.O.P’s music are quite different. I’m at the stage in my life where I want to awaken to fresh new challenges, stimuli and transition.”

He leaves open the possibility of a future reunion, adding that he loves his band, and has a personal connection with each of the members.

“I’ve been saying to my fans since my debut that I’ve been planning to come back with a solo album sometime in the future, whenever I feel ready. Now, I feel ready,” he says. “My first album will come out soon, and it will be my very first journey of sharing who I really am.”

Details of the album will remain secret, for now, but one thing he can share?

“You’ll be surprised, because I’ve been recording continuously during the hiatus, and there’ll be a lot of different genres included in the album. All the songs are from my pure heart — I spent a lot of sweat and effort to make this album possible,” he says, adding the songs on the album are drawn from those 100 that he wrote over the last five years.

Lastly, a feature film production that includes a global creative team and cast will couple with the album.

“For the first time since my debut 16 years ago, my first full album will be released, and this album will be created as a feature film.”

AFTER FIVE YEARS AWAY and battling his way back from some very dark places, Choi has returned to the light, free for the first time in his adult life, to control his own narrative. He knows not everyone will appreciate that. “I’m 34 now, so I’ve been through a lot. I learned how not to give a fuck. I’m at the point where I can be responsible for the things that I’ve said.”

He goes on to clarify — future record-label boss in the making — that younger artists may not want to heed this advice just yet. “They still need to grow, they still need training,” he says. “They actually need to learn and listen and get advice and still have a long way to go, so I don’t say to the young artists, ‘Don’t give a fuck,’ because that can actually give them negative results.”

As for the myriad projects, he’s putting his full heart into those. In total, they include his first solo album, a feature film, a record label, an NFT project, a wine label and, of course, continuing to grow his art collection.

For Choi, the sky’s the limit. And he’s forever dreaming up ways to pay it all back – to his loved ones, to his fans, to those who were always there for him, even when it felt as if no one else was. Through his own journey, it seems he’s found a way to be there for himself, too.

So what’s it like to be a 34-year-old, independent global superstar with his whole career ahead of him?

“I feel like I’m just a beginner right now, and I’m about to start the real thing as an artist.”

And how’s he feeling?

He smiles. “I’m just happy.”




*OP's note: there are like, 30 pics, so the rest of them can be seen on the site

























He publicly admits what we assumed in 2017. I felt it was pretty obvious what was happening and felt like this was a safe space to share feelings, but no. Some people were gross in those posts, even dm-ing me to mock my pain as he laid unconscious for three days. Some people were nice, though. Anyways. I'm proud of him for speaking on it, growing from it, and even wanting to put himself publicly out there again.



source: prestigeonline

Comments

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

oh my silly little heart

[cosmicdaze.livejournal.com]

people were messaging you about this op?! that's just fucked up, plain and simple. i'm sorry you had to deal with that.

[waves-of-light.livejournal.com]

yeah i used to be 100% more active here. making and replying to comments, you know? it was fun, too. but since then i don't want to engage too much. some of those people are still around. but also some nice users reached out back then too.

[em-cavey.livejournal.com]

wtf those people are still here? mocking suicide/mental illness and attacking other users should be grounds for banning

[kcaomei.livejournal.com]

that's so horrible, i'm sorry you went through that. those people should be banned

[chikage-chan.livejournal.com]

While I’m truly glad he is still here and that he seems to have found a better way to cope with his mental health struggles, I just can’t support him and the others anymore. It makes me really sad, because Big Bang was huge part of my 20s. I wish it hadn’t ended like this.

I don’t care for the pot issue, but that was not the only thing going on at the time and the article seems to gloss over that a lot. Plus, when he said he is still in contact with all the members, then the NFT talk, then the YG-like “I want to make real artists” speech… Yeah, I personally really can’t anymore, it’s just so tiring. Good luck for everyone who is sticking with them.

[burnbook31.livejournal.com]

I don’t care for the pot issue, but that was not the only thing going on at the time and the article seems to gloss over that a lot.

i noticed that too. Wasn't there a trainee that was affected too? am i remembering it right?

[chikage-chan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there was the whole thing of him having dated/hooked up and smoked with Han Seohee (which turned to be a mess in her own right too), and YG acting behind the scenes to shut her up both in this and the B.I. case.

[nekobot.livejournal.com]

I do genuinely feel for him for what he went through, I don't think he's an actively bad person (or Han Seohee would've outed him already) and I don't think it's fair to hold group members accountable for their fellow members actions but how do all the women feel that were Burning Sun victims feel seeing pieces like this come out that gloss over a huge part of what went wrong with this group that they were accepted collateral for? Why does no one seem to care about them? I don't think it's possible to retain any credibility without making at least a tiny statement about what happened in it this case and it makes me sick how deliberately vague this is being kept (as in, if he's excluded from this statement why not make that clear?). Goo Hara and Sulli are dead because of men like Seungri. He previously stated that he wasn't too keen on Seungri's dealings so why take a so-called neutral approach now as if these women wouldn't be exactly the type of people that would be empathetic what TOP has been going through as opposed to his absolute monster of a bandmate? I really don't understand it.

[chikage-chan.livejournal.com]

I think we are setting ourselves up for disappointment if we expect him to be empathetic to other people’s struggles just because he has reached a more stable place for himself.

And I completely understand being mad at his approach to Seungri now. He has all the freedom he wants to be vocal about being against his crimes, but he is using this kind of big interview to not even touch upon it. If I had harbored any expectations towards him at this point, I’d be angry too. But tbh, I gave up on all of them a long time ago, so I don’t even have the strength to be mad anymore.

[nekobot.livejournal.com]

You're right about that. I think it's more an expectation from people around them than the members themselves (like...people that sign off on an interview like this). I honestly never expected him to speak up about it openly but subtly cosigning Seungri still is a shock.

If he's going to be a celebrity again with the amount of visibility that comes along with that victims will be reminded of what happened to them and the way this is all being swept under the rug every time they have to see him or hear his music. It's sickening that even a tiny mention of "we don't want to talk about it but we didn't forget and we haven't forgiven it" would make that so much easier for them to deal with, but they can't even be given that.

I guess it's less being angry at TOP and more about being angry at the entire environment that allowed something like this to happen which he just happens to be an active enabling part of.

[chikage-chan.livejournal.com]

Mte at being more angry at the environment. Top is not without fault, but this is definitely bigger than just him.

[kcaomei.livejournal.com]

i agree with your entire comment, i could've written it myself!

i, too, was a huge Big Bang fan since their early days. they were my gateway into kpop and it's wild to me how we went from kpop being so inconveniently inaccessible to overseas/foreign fans, to things being immediately ready for consumption these days (do you remember having to search so hard just to watch multiple videos on youtube because anything subbed was always in like 7 parts?😂 and in 240p quality!!!) even though i don't condone any of their behavior and the amount of anger i've felt over the years has me exhausted beyond belief, having to watch the downfall both of each member individually and a group over time has been really sad. we're all here for the music and we all know everyone is human, but it's heartbreaking when your faves turn out to be especially shitty people. i'm relieved and grateful that TOP is okay, but i'll never support them (or any YG artist)

[chikage-chan.livejournal.com]

I think I still have some old DBSK realities saved in 5 parts as low quality real media player files in my old hd hahahahaha the struggle was real indeed!

I never had the unreal expectations that my faves would be perfect, because humans (specially male humans), but I never expected they would be involved in so much shit. I sold all my BB albums and dvds (I had all of them up to that point) to a Japanese used bookstore just after the seungri crimes came out, and they gave me like 20 dollars for it all. All I could think was “wow, this is really worth so little in the end”. What hurts the most are the tainted memories, though.

[modestgoddess79.livejournal.com]

He sounds like he’s in a good place. The depression struggle is real.

[fadeintoyou.livejournal.com]

he sounds really positive and full of goals for his future. That’s good to see/hear. I hope he continues to strive and fight to keep the depression at bay.

[lechuza-yoya.livejournal.com]

Im sorry OP some people really just are way too cruel in the name of "justice"

he sounds happy, I am glad. I cant wait for his album.

[daynr.livejournal.com]

I like to hear someone acknowledge their depression so matter of factly, with a vibe that it just is for him versus something he causing, and to acknowledge issues in his industry. He sounds like he's in a good place. It was an interesting read.

[babyjenkski.livejournal.com]

An interesting read. Thanks for sharing OP.

[em-cavey.livejournal.com]

That is absolutely vile that people acted like that and treated you that way OP, I'm sorry

[violoncelliste.livejournal.com]

it's sick that people were DM-ing you, I'm so sorry. I've been on omona since 2009? I think? And from my perspective this community, despite claiming otherwise, is weirdly terfy and gender essentialist, which means that people literally cannot see bad things happening to men as anything other than 1) their own fault 2) something they deserve. And then they forget basic humans decency because, after all, they're making fun of the 'bad guys', so it's fine.

i'm not fond of most men, but as someone who struggles with depression and suicide thoughts, i've long been disillusioned with omona as a 'safe space'.

TOP will continue fucking up (NFT-s? really? if he cares about art I'd expect him to hate it, but ok), but I'm glad to hear that he's in a better shape now.

[myungung.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through this OP. I get people being upset with TOP for his actions, and that was discounting the marijuana incident. but there needs to be a distinction between going after how a fan reacts and holding the idol accountable. I hope you do not receive new shit after this article and being open with your experience.

it's interesting that he spends more than 90% of his income on art, wonder how does he get by besides being rich. it'll be interesting to see where he goes after he nopes out of BB

edit: phrasing of 1st para.

[paige-nevaeh.livejournal.com]

I’m so sorry you went through that OP. That’s just needlessly unkind. We can have discourse in the comments & disagree but to attack you personally is just not cool.

Good on TOP for speaking out. Suicide is the biggest killer of men in their 20’s & 30’s in the UK and mens mental health is still such a massive taboo worldwide.
I hope this article at least helps one person reach out if they’re struggling with depressive thoughts.

[gathyou.livejournal.com]

He was my bias for so long! Somehow this article feels a little like closure for me? Like I can finally let it go. As much as I am still angry for the lack of reaction to Seungri all these years (and lack of clear statement now, not just from him), or his legal team using Han Soehee (no matter how messy she is herself) as a scapegoat to try to shelter him in the drug case, I still had some lingering worries. I wouldn't wish depression on anyone, I know what it's like and I have empathy for him. It reads like he's in a much better place now, and I welcome him being so open in the interview, especially while being a major kpop idol, it's an important step. I'm glad he's still here. I won't follow him on his new path forward, I guess that's what it is. I understand people who will.

Also OP I'm so sorry you had to go through all this :(