[TW] Jonghyun's Final Note

[torontok.livejournal.com]

The note was uploaded by Dear Cloud's Nine, a musician and close personal friend of Jonghyun's. Permission was obtained from Jonghyun's family to share it as per his final request.
PLEASE NOTE: This letter is not an easy read. Jonghyun was in a dark place when he wrote this and the contents reflect that. If you are not in a good headspace right now, please wait to read this until you feel ready or don't.

I've read over Jonghyun's suicide note for a while now. Reading, re-reading, making sure I did justice to his words, his final words.

There's a lot to unpack and hopefully this translation will help.

[TRIGGER WARNING / self-harm / depression / suicide] pic.twitter.com/pvsMuqoG7N

— Changhwan "John" Yoo (@oniontaker) December 19, 2017

Jonghyun's Final Letter, as transmitted by Dear Cloud's Nine

Please tell me if there are errors, I will correct them and re-upload an edited version.https://t.co/822sLItvuj pic.twitter.com/9vcJ7V0A5L

— mes #TeamPinky (@OH_mes) December 18, 2017

Alternate translation

[FULL TRANSLATION] Dear Cloud Nine9's post about Jonghyun, containing his final note.

Source: https://t.co/UvP5OSPih6 pic.twitter.com/FBiKQqeTHQ

— Stella ♡ (@SonexStella) December 18, 2017

Alternate thread with translations

[TRANS] Jonghyun’s Final Note: thread

PS: Please do not read it if you are not ready. Please be mindful of yourself as some of the contents are triggering. Take your time. You don’t have to read this yet.

PPS: I may not translate the whole thing. I’m still mourning.

— A star in the skies 🌟 (@kimtaem) December 18, 2017

source: run_withwolf,oh_mes, kimtaem, SonexStella, oniontaker

Comments

[seulgibear.livejournal.com]

no no no at accepting it like this omg OP please put all the translations under several spoilers asap please!!! the lj-cut open if anyone click on the post and people might be forced to read it even if they're not ready. and put everything in bold above how triggering the content is! please and thank you!

[iwantchocopie.livejournal.com]

I agree to this, please and thank you OP

[chasing-thewind.livejournal.com]

i think it must be impossible for someone who doesn't have depression to understand how he felt. i can't understand it. how could someone suffer so much inwardly. how lonely he must have felt. i wish things were different.

[cricket.livejournal.com]

it consumes you and hollows you out. I don't even know how to describe what it feels like because it's something you have to have experienced for yourself (and hopefully you never will). I just hope that this opens up a dialogue about mental health in Korea and that people have compassion for those who are suffering even if they've not been in that situation themselves.

[cricket.livejournal.com]

I'm just so sad for him and his loved ones. I've been there, I wrote a note like this and thankfully I survived, but there are still times when I consider ending it all. I sort of wish I didn't read this because it really is triggering, but I guess my curiosity got the better of me. I don't really know what to say other than that this is a tragedy, that I hope he's in a better place now, and that if anyone else is suffering in this way it is absolutely vital that you speak to someone about it and seek as much help as you possibly can to prevent something like this happening again <3

[volume1995.livejournal.com]

Please stay safe and take as much time as needed to heal and recover from the heavy news articles. If you need someone to talk to, I will be there. Sometimes it's better to vent with an absolute stranger than with someone you're close with. ♥

[girlknees.livejournal.com]

i forced myself to read this even though i haven’t been in a good place in the last few months, and it’s as much as it’s making me choke up his words are too important not to read. his soul must have been so tired, it’s a feeling of exhaustion and defeat that i recognize, and it just feels ridiculous that all i can think is, i hope he’s at peace now, that i hope he finds harmony and balance in what comes after.

[merlugd.livejournal.com]

I dont mean to imposse but I think you shoukd delete this post. Theres no point to show this. Suicide is contagious. The kid is gone, we all know how, we will never know why. People are very sad now, I think this is dangerous.

[volume1995.livejournal.com]

People might want to read this as some sort of closure. OP has put many trigger warnings at the beginning of the post.

[chomsky.livejournal.com]

I'm at work right now and reading this legitimately makes me want to vomit. I'm gonna wear a hole in the back of my bottom teeth from anxiety.

[yixingsforehead.livejournal.com]

*big virtual hug*

this won't help, but.....i had the same the entire day... took the longest restroom breaks that i could. and now at home, still anxious, thought the panic is over. and i'm like... trying to figure out how to actually process things.

[volume1995.livejournal.com]

He has suffered from so many demons haunting him. Surrounding his music. He was so low on self-esteem. Reading this note was really hard but I truly understand where he's coming from.
You have worked so, so, so hard, Jonghyun. You have your own little sanctuary now, where you can sing all day long. You're no longer suffering. I loved you in every way and I will truly miss you. You helped me in my darkest times and I feel bad for not being able to do anything when you were in your darkest era.
Rest in peace, power, and paradise. 영원히 사랑해, "블링블링" 김종현.
If anyone wants to talk, my twitter inbox is open (itsvolume).

[haixiao.livejournal.com]

i relate to so much of his letter and it's just making everything that much harder for me...
jonghyun, you worked so hard. you did so well. you were so strong. you gave us so much happiness. i know that you loved us the same way that we loved you and that we gave each other so much happiness. i just wish that you could've loved yourself the same way we loved you. depression is cruel, and i'm so sorry that you suffered so much. i'm so sorry that anyone else is suffering like this. i wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

if anyone comes across any sort of remembrance project please let me know, i would love to participate.

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

I hope there's a brilliant doctor looking after you. Mine has made a huge difference for me. <3

[yixingsforehead.livejournal.com]

rest in peace

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you're still with us and in a different mental place now. <3

[liederkreis.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I'm surprised at the fact that I feel like I could have ghost-written his entire letter, but my heart is breaking all over again that this is how he felt. I can only hope that his pain is gone now and he's truly at peace.

[cakeeatingidol.livejournal.com]

It's so terribly sad that people suffer like this. I have had bouts of depression, but never like this, so I truly can not say that I understand what he must have been feeling. However, having been married to someone who attempted suicide and trying to understand them, they really are in such a desperate place that most see no other option.

The stigma that comes with mental health is terrible in the US, and I can only imagine it in Korea (from what I hear/read/etc). If you need help, you should seek it and not feel shame about it and the fact that that doesn't happen is frankly disgusting.

I hope that media and fans give his family and friends a rest and let them recoup. While it was obviously a terrible situation for him to be in as well, speaking from experience, these people are also going to be dealing with things for the rest of their lives. I hope that they also get the help and care that they need and deserve.

[lightframes.livejournal.com]

This is really dark. I hate that depression made him feel this way.

[lycorisc.livejournal.com]

it does hit very close to home but i can't stop looking for anything related, if only to cling to him for a little longer

[lightframes.livejournal.com]

Take a break if it's getting to you.

[haymitch.livejournal.com]

you’ve worked hard, jonghyun. you did well.

so much suffering and pain in this letter. he was exhausted. it’s just.. he smiled so brightly and he sang with all his soul. it still tears me up inside. i have known this feeling and i’ve been lucky to be able to escape it with a lot of help, but i know some people don’t have everything they need..

i hope you’ve found peace, jonghyun. please, rest well now.

[siaht.livejournal.com]

I don't understand the words, but I understand the feelings.

We are millions, but we are alone.

Soon we'll reunite.

[angela-derp-otp.livejournal.com]

Please stay safe.

[weneedmedicine.livejournal.com]

this made me cry like crazy): esp the last few lines. Jesus

[pearlychoco.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[honeebs.livejournal.com]

So much pain. His internal struggle was a fight and deafening.
Very heartbreaking to read.
I pray he found some solace with his craft, giving it and sharing it.
May he be at peace.
Sorrow in the kpop community. Take care everyone.

[mthws.livejournal.com]

As someone who suffers from various mental issues, including depression, and who attempted suicide five times already, I hope that people try to understand where he came from. I hope his feelings translate well through this letter. Depression is no joke, and sometimes suicide seems like the only answer. Again, same as in the previous post about this, I won't state my instance on it (albeit it could be somewhat clear from what I've said so far), but the least I can do is tell everyone to be there for your loved ones. Don't dismiss what they're going through. Don't call them crazy, dramatic, tell them they're exaggerating, say things like "there's people who have it worst". Sometimes, when people are in that kind of state of mind, a word that seems innocuous to you might shatter their whole world.

Hope this man went in peace.

[yumekanau.livejournal.com]

As someone who has her own internal struggles, while I cannot say I know how you or anyone else feels, I know that when things get bad, sometimes it truly gets the best of you, as it has for Jonghyun.

All that to say I hope this letter hasn't "triggered" you. And if you need someone to talk to, feel free to let me know.

[evilcoc0nut.livejournal.com]

[marizl.livejournal.com]

It still hasn't fully sunk in that he's gone. I decided to read it and it's sad because I've been where he was at. I've felt those emotions and it's true you just get tired of it all. You try and you question and it fucking sucks. I'm not completely better but I managed to pull through and it sucks to see that he didn't. I truly hope he's in a peaceful place now.

[luminous-wings.livejournal.com]

Wishing everyone in this post (on this site) love, warmth and strength.
You are all strong, worthy, beautiful people <3.
Rest peacefully Jonghyun. You've blessed so many people in your lifetime, you did more than well <3.

[donutism.livejournal.com]

Please please please don't read it if you feel like the letter could affect you.

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RIP. I hope you are in a better place now. You worked hard.

[babyjenkski.livejournal.com]

Reading this made me cry and I'm not even that big of a SHINee fan. There's just so much pain in what he wrote and its pointing to so many directions but at the end...he simply blames himself for everything. If only I could hug him right now, I would. He just seem so sad, pressured, with such low self-esteem.

I wish he knew how much people loved and adored him simply because people sees him as a good person, a talented artist and good son and brother.

I wish he knew that he also inspired other people and even helped some get through tough times through his music.

[normanikordei.livejournal.com]

I really hate that he felt this way and felt like this decision was one that he had to make to find relief. I'm so sorry.